So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
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