You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
