if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
so let's talk penis.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
