Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
