hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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