fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
