I was born with a shot glass in my hand
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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