When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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