I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
