I wish I could punch you in the face.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
