got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
