Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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