He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Randomize
