I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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