The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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