I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
