sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
