I think my vagina is haunted
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
