isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
