the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
