Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
