Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
