Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
