Will you blow on my dice?
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Never joke about your clitoris.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
