just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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