please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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