just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
