I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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