I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
