it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
