omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
