I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
