Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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