Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
