he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
