remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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