it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
