I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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