I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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