Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
3pm strippers are depressing
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
