you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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