I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
