I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
