things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
