Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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