dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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