Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
