Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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