redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
