dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
