Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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